My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
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It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
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I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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