meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
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Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
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Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I am naked and annoyed.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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