i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
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Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
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Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
why is half of my head shaved?
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