My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize