If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
our cab driver is having phone sex.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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