he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
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I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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