I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
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The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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