bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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