Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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