Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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