Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
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I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
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Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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