When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
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Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
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I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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