Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
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My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
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She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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