Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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