watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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