she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
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you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
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17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
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