The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
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he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
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I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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