I met the friendliest cop last night
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize