You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
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how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
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Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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