omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
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I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize