Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
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