So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
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Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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