I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
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i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
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Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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