So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
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I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
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I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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