im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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