he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
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We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
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omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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