Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
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The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
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It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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