i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
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im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
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You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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