Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
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