I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize