I could make wine with my vomit
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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