My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
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