you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
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Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
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I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
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