Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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