So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
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she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
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Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
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