Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
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Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
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