I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
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Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
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Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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