i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
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I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
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The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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