mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
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