The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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