everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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