It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
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I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
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The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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