He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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