You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize