Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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