the condom got lost in my hair
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
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If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
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Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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