Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
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He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
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constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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