Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
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No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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