News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
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He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
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You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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