I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize