he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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